


Climate Change

by memeicorn



Category: Youtubers, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Songfic, venty bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 12:08:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9895856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memeicorn/pseuds/memeicorn
Summary: The worst part by far was not being able to do anything about it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> everything in italics is lyrics from the song “climate change” by andrew huang. i highly recommend listening to it, and the other songs off the album, while reading this. [ click to do so](https://andrewhuang.bandcamp.com/album/winter)

_climate change aside_  
_you’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me_

It’s never like this in Maine; temperatures in LA this time of year are in the 70s, or 60s on a bad day. Ethan barely needs more than a t-shirt when he steps outside.

He shrugs on a sweater and holds the entryway open for Chica, who trots through the threshold excitedly. Shutting the front door to the office, he heaves a deep sigh into the quiet street. He both welcomes and curses the fact that it’s his turn to take Chica on her midday walk; as much as he loves her, and he knows it’s a weight off Mark’s back who can keep making videos without worry, he really wishes he didn’t have to be alone with his thoughts for so long.

He slings his headphones around his neck, thinking he’ll need them if his mind gets too loud. As Chica tugs him eagerly down the street towards their usual route, he wonders for a moment if he’s too old to wish dogs could talk to him to keep him company, like in all those movies he saw as a kid.

 _lead this lonely life_  
_full of yearning and love thrown into the sea_

A breeze gently tickles his cheeks. It’s a bit colder today than it was the rest of the week. The trees are still bare, branches rocking gently in the wind. Ethan thinks about how, even though the atmosphere is threatening to throw LA into a permanent state of summer, the violent pushback of the plant life there is still persisting. Leaves will still fall no matter what happens, he supposes absently.

As he pads down the sidewalk, the sound of gravel under his feet and Chica’s paws loud in his ears, his mind wanders to Tyler, and at this point, he’s surprised it took this long. Try as he might, he can’t help it. It had been months since he’d moved to LA, and his career had been on the up and up ever since, but everything comes at a price. In this case, the cost he’d given up was a lot of sleepless nights and even more helpless pining.

 _but i confess_  
_if not to you_  
_i can only blame myself_

Were he to be honest with himself, he’d feel pathetic. It’s a lot like he’s a child again, unable to lay his feelings out on the table and be honest with them. It had been so long since he’d fallen in love that he wasn’t sure what to do with those emotions anymore. He settled instead for bottling them up, a technique he’s used more often in his life than he’d like to admit.

Chica keeps looking back at Ethan, tongue lolling out as she pants excitedly, as if to make sure he can keep up with her. He meets her eye and musters what he can of a smile, picking up his walking pace a notch to match her, a creature blissfully unaware of how fast his thoughts were racing.

 _underneath these_ _eyes_  
_every stream flows to meet your heart in the deep_

It was enough that he’d been dealing with the crisis of his own orientation, but to have the onslaught of emotion come so quickly accompanied by feelings of yearning for his own goddamn _roommate_ was nigh unbearable. He’d never felt anything like this for another man before. The image of Tyler flashes into his mind fleetingly, all beautiful blue eyes and chestnut curls. The telltale jump of his heart from his chest to his throat is enough to remind him how hopelessly head over heels he’s been ever since they met. Until that moment, Ethan hadn’t even known what that heart of his was capable of, but he continues to surprise even himself in the wake of it all.

The worst part by far was not being able to do anything about it. Tyler had said time and time again that he was straight, and not really looking for love on the west coast to begin with. That wasn’t even to mention the constant reminder of how they were _friends_ , how Ethan was his _pal_ and his _buddy_ and how scathing those words rang through his skull with every firm clap of Tyler’s hand on his back. All he’d ever be to Tyler was a friend, and every recurrence of that thought wracks his whole body with grief. Sure, he could throw away the friendship to tell him how he really felt, but it wouldn’t make the daily reminders of unreciprocated feelings any easier to swallow.

 _but the cold is wry_  
_and my tears freeze and cocoon me in my sleep_

Their path twists into a park, and Ethan makes himself watch the people they pass by, families with children and friends on picnic blankets even though _it’s still February, I mean, come on, guys._ Chica yanks on her leash when she catches sight of another dog being walked in the other direction, and Ethan stops to exchange pleasantries with its owner while the two animals interact. _Cold today, huh? No, she’s not mine, she’s a friend’s. Her name’s Chica._ It’s all shallow small talk, but it helps distract him for a short few moments.

When they start marching on again, Ethan daydreams about getting over himself. He thinks about how much easier it would all be if he never had those feelings in the first place. Then he wouldn’t have to worry about his stomach doing flips every time he hears footsteps down the hall of their house, wouldn’t have to listen to his heart beat inside his ears every time Tyler makes fleeting contact with him for a hug or high five.

He blames himself for dooming a perfectly good friendship. He blames himself for wanting too much of a good thing.

 _but i digress_  
_and i dream of waking up to you_

It’s hard to believe how close someone can be, and still feel so far out of your grasp. Ethan wakes up to his smile every morning, and he knows that Tyler is at most a couple rooms away for most of the day, work and home alike. But Ethan longs for even more than that, wishes instead that he could wake up every morning in the circle of Tyler’s arms, wishes to feel the warmth of Tyler’s lips on his own.

He feels greedy. Like friendship and companionship isn’t enough for him, he just has to be cursed with needing more to feel whole. He wishes he could jump back in time a few months and erase the idea from his brain that Tyler could ever be more than a friend to him. Everything would be so much simpler that way.

Their path starts to circle back to the office. The soft hush of tires rolls past them as cars pass by them on the street. Ethan takes a few deep breaths, knowing that he’ll have to breathe through tightened lungs the moment he walks back in there. When they finally go up the steps leading to the front door, he kneels down and gently strokes Chica’s head a few times, scratching behind her floppy yellow ears. She keeps glancing back down the street the way they came, then back to Ethan, like she wants to stay outside.

Ethan sighs again. “I know. You have to face going back in there just as much as me.” He stands back up and turns his key in the bolt lock. It was going to be a long day.

 _but i digress_  
_and i dream of waking up to you_


End file.
